Subsumed Empath
My first memory is from when I was nine months old.
I was suckling at my mother’s breast when my grandfather, a brilliant man possessed of the emotional capacity of a rock - and that’s being unfair to rocks - approached.
“Why are you still doing that?!” he exclaimed.
I immediately pulled off of the breast and looked right at him.
I remember the feeling, but not the event.
I felt that I’d done something wrong before I’d even started.
I felt his anger throughout my entire being.
I had no shielding.
I was a pure and completely open heart.
So… I believed him.
And I never took the breast again.
Not once. Not ever.
At nine months old.
All I knew was that I was wrong.
Why? I had no idea.
Because I took on his emotional energy and made it my own, I carried it with me continuously.
This became my grounded body.
I became subsumed by fear.
I lived in this state for much of my life, almost three decades in total.
It infected and affected everything.
Married the wrong woman, then married the right one.
Neither marriage worked out.
Dropped out of college.
Worked idiotically easy jobs for ridiculously low wages.
Never, ever did I truly claim my power.
Always I was hounded… pursued relentlessly by this idea that I’d somehow done something wrong before I’d ever had a chance to start.
What it was, I could never tell myself.
It was simply there, always there, forever in the shadows, never coming to the surface of my mind.
With great effort, I finally overcame this perverse assumption that I’d already failed.
I found my way back to the Light.
Despite all of the lost time, all of the tears, all of the pain and all of the blind anger that once threatened to consume my very soul, I returned to Love.
The degree to which I’ve reopened my heart to myself has governed the degree to which I’ve reconnected with the Universe.
The degree to which I’ve remembered that I’ve always loved myself has governed the degree to which I’ve experienced peace.
All trauma can be healed.
All pain can end.
All errors can be forgiven.
All of the Love of the entire Universe can be yours.
I know this, for I found my way back to the Light.
Because I could, I know that you can, too.
God for never forgot me… even when I forgot myself.
Amen.
I was suckling at my mother’s breast when my grandfather, a brilliant man possessed of the emotional capacity of a rock - and that’s being unfair to rocks - approached.
“Why are you still doing that?!” he exclaimed.
I immediately pulled off of the breast and looked right at him.
I remember the feeling, but not the event.
I felt that I’d done something wrong before I’d even started.
I felt his anger throughout my entire being.
I had no shielding.
I was a pure and completely open heart.
So… I believed him.
And I never took the breast again.
Not once. Not ever.
At nine months old.
All I knew was that I was wrong.
Why? I had no idea.
Because I took on his emotional energy and made it my own, I carried it with me continuously.
This became my grounded body.
I became subsumed by fear.
I lived in this state for much of my life, almost three decades in total.
It infected and affected everything.
Married the wrong woman, then married the right one.
Neither marriage worked out.
Dropped out of college.
Worked idiotically easy jobs for ridiculously low wages.
Never, ever did I truly claim my power.
Always I was hounded… pursued relentlessly by this idea that I’d somehow done something wrong before I’d ever had a chance to start.
What it was, I could never tell myself.
It was simply there, always there, forever in the shadows, never coming to the surface of my mind.
With great effort, I finally overcame this perverse assumption that I’d already failed.
I found my way back to the Light.
Despite all of the lost time, all of the tears, all of the pain and all of the blind anger that once threatened to consume my very soul, I returned to Love.
The degree to which I’ve reopened my heart to myself has governed the degree to which I’ve reconnected with the Universe.
The degree to which I’ve remembered that I’ve always loved myself has governed the degree to which I’ve experienced peace.
All trauma can be healed.
All pain can end.
All errors can be forgiven.
All of the Love of the entire Universe can be yours.
I know this, for I found my way back to the Light.
Because I could, I know that you can, too.
God for never forgot me… even when I forgot myself.
Amen.