First Night Out
I went out for the first time since ending my marriage to my soulmate. We could not be - we made love like gods and fought like devils. I've not been truly angry, even once, in the six months since she left. But when we were together... the anger flowed like the darkest venom.
My wingman was a new friend from work, truly an ascended soul - he refuses to accept anything less than complete intimacy from a woman, looking right to their souls with every glance, and they flock to him because he is utterly unafraid. Needless to say, we had a blast.
But my God, the desperation on all of their faces. The loneliness, the anguish, the endless longing for a connection to another that they wish to achieve, somehow, through the mechanisms of the flesh. Never have I seen the world before through the eyes I now possess through Love.
An an empath, in some ways it was rather assaulting to my heart. It was as if I was buried at the bottom of an ocean of unfelt pain. They were all so hopelessly wishing that they might, somehow, find a connection to another that they were simply refusing to give to themselves.
I described it to my friend as an attempt on the part of one person to gather up all of their insecurities, trying to match their pile of ungiven self-love to the pile that another possessed, hoping somehow that their respective piles would magically equal a complete person.
Oh dear God, that is not the way. There is no way to try to find the love you refuse to give to yourself within the affections of another. You cannot complete the parts of yourself that are already complete with another when only you can fulfill your own life's journey.
I cannot claim I've not tried that route. Certainly I have, feeling all of the desperation to hold onto someone because you believe you love them when in truth, you are refusing to love yourself. I've known the feeling of believing you can't live without them. But you can - I did.
Love, fully unbidden, unrequested and unexpected, will begin to arrive in your life when you becoming willing to simply love yourself, never again asking for another to "complete" you, for you are already complete and it has always been your belief that you are not that hurt you.
I found my soulmate and I loved her faithfully for 8 years. But still, still... oh God still we could not be. Imagine that loss. Imagine loosing the person that you've journeyed through thousands of lifetimes with. Imagine continuing to live, absent what was nearly perfect love.
Where do I go from here? What is my next step? Will I love again as I loved her? Perhaps not, but I don't care. I don't need that desperate, "Us against the world", "I'd die for you", "You complete me", "We are one" kind of love anymore. I walked to the bottom of that pit of pain.
Now I go forth again, my heart still open, my eyes still clear, knowing that I may never again know the gentle touch of a woman on my skin, I may never rest softly in her embrace, watching the world move along while we build a universe of love together.
Because the universe I thought I built with her was not complete - we each attempted to find reflections of our own self-love in each other, and while we both loved each other as much as any two lovers have throughout all of time, even that was not enough to keep us together.
I offer these words not in the spirit of discouragement - had it not been for her love for me, I might never have Awoken in this lifetime to the love that I forever hold for myself and for the entire world. I offer them instead to tell you that you can love, and loose, and live.
You can find the greatest love of your life, the connection that bridges a thousand lifetimes, and you can loose it. You can survive even that pain, that desperation of wondering if you should ever love another the way that you once knew when you rested in your soulmate's arms.
The greatest loss of love that this world will ever know is not the loss of the perfect love that I found. It is the loss that occurs when you refuse to release the love that you have for yourself from the depths of your heart, denying everyone love because you deny yourself.
Please, dear ones, don't deny your Light. Don't ask us all to share a world with you in which you refuse to give of your heart to others because you refuse to give to yourself. You will never be drained by giving your love - you will be endlessly refilled by Love Itself.
Let my heart stand as an example of what is possible. I had to give up the greatest love I'd ever known, because we were like kryptonite - we endlessly drained and refilled each other, powerless to stop the cycle of asking from the other the love we could only give ourselves.
If I was able to have that strength - the willingness to release her and to move on without her, even if it means I never know such perfect love again, then I know in my heart that you too can rise above any loss, any pain and any anguish, no matter how it crushes you into dust.
Do not ask another for the love that you refuse to give to yourself. They cannot fulfill that role. You must be willing to stand, alone and singular in your veritable prison of flesh, if you wish to release the desperation that comes from asking another to do what they cannot.
All of the love you have ever wished to find in this world in the arms of another has forever resided at the center of your heart. Look there for the comfort and joy you incorrectly ascribe to the affections of others and never again will you hurt, asking another to complete you.
I know that you can complete this task, this great journey given to you by God so that you might remember that always, always dear ones, always and forever, you have lacked for nothing, for Love has always been with you. It is in your heart, and it is already Perfect.
My wingman was a new friend from work, truly an ascended soul - he refuses to accept anything less than complete intimacy from a woman, looking right to their souls with every glance, and they flock to him because he is utterly unafraid. Needless to say, we had a blast.
But my God, the desperation on all of their faces. The loneliness, the anguish, the endless longing for a connection to another that they wish to achieve, somehow, through the mechanisms of the flesh. Never have I seen the world before through the eyes I now possess through Love.
An an empath, in some ways it was rather assaulting to my heart. It was as if I was buried at the bottom of an ocean of unfelt pain. They were all so hopelessly wishing that they might, somehow, find a connection to another that they were simply refusing to give to themselves.
I described it to my friend as an attempt on the part of one person to gather up all of their insecurities, trying to match their pile of ungiven self-love to the pile that another possessed, hoping somehow that their respective piles would magically equal a complete person.
Oh dear God, that is not the way. There is no way to try to find the love you refuse to give to yourself within the affections of another. You cannot complete the parts of yourself that are already complete with another when only you can fulfill your own life's journey.
I cannot claim I've not tried that route. Certainly I have, feeling all of the desperation to hold onto someone because you believe you love them when in truth, you are refusing to love yourself. I've known the feeling of believing you can't live without them. But you can - I did.
Love, fully unbidden, unrequested and unexpected, will begin to arrive in your life when you becoming willing to simply love yourself, never again asking for another to "complete" you, for you are already complete and it has always been your belief that you are not that hurt you.
I found my soulmate and I loved her faithfully for 8 years. But still, still... oh God still we could not be. Imagine that loss. Imagine loosing the person that you've journeyed through thousands of lifetimes with. Imagine continuing to live, absent what was nearly perfect love.
Where do I go from here? What is my next step? Will I love again as I loved her? Perhaps not, but I don't care. I don't need that desperate, "Us against the world", "I'd die for you", "You complete me", "We are one" kind of love anymore. I walked to the bottom of that pit of pain.
Now I go forth again, my heart still open, my eyes still clear, knowing that I may never again know the gentle touch of a woman on my skin, I may never rest softly in her embrace, watching the world move along while we build a universe of love together.
Because the universe I thought I built with her was not complete - we each attempted to find reflections of our own self-love in each other, and while we both loved each other as much as any two lovers have throughout all of time, even that was not enough to keep us together.
I offer these words not in the spirit of discouragement - had it not been for her love for me, I might never have Awoken in this lifetime to the love that I forever hold for myself and for the entire world. I offer them instead to tell you that you can love, and loose, and live.
You can find the greatest love of your life, the connection that bridges a thousand lifetimes, and you can loose it. You can survive even that pain, that desperation of wondering if you should ever love another the way that you once knew when you rested in your soulmate's arms.
The greatest loss of love that this world will ever know is not the loss of the perfect love that I found. It is the loss that occurs when you refuse to release the love that you have for yourself from the depths of your heart, denying everyone love because you deny yourself.
Please, dear ones, don't deny your Light. Don't ask us all to share a world with you in which you refuse to give of your heart to others because you refuse to give to yourself. You will never be drained by giving your love - you will be endlessly refilled by Love Itself.
Let my heart stand as an example of what is possible. I had to give up the greatest love I'd ever known, because we were like kryptonite - we endlessly drained and refilled each other, powerless to stop the cycle of asking from the other the love we could only give ourselves.
If I was able to have that strength - the willingness to release her and to move on without her, even if it means I never know such perfect love again, then I know in my heart that you too can rise above any loss, any pain and any anguish, no matter how it crushes you into dust.
Do not ask another for the love that you refuse to give to yourself. They cannot fulfill that role. You must be willing to stand, alone and singular in your veritable prison of flesh, if you wish to release the desperation that comes from asking another to do what they cannot.
All of the love you have ever wished to find in this world in the arms of another has forever resided at the center of your heart. Look there for the comfort and joy you incorrectly ascribe to the affections of others and never again will you hurt, asking another to complete you.
I know that you can complete this task, this great journey given to you by God so that you might remember that always, always dear ones, always and forever, you have lacked for nothing, for Love has always been with you. It is in your heart, and it is already Perfect.